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Astrea responds:
Dear Lindsay,
Once we have really loved someone, we'll always love that person. Even if someone we have loved well can't be present in our lives any longer, it's natural to continue to have feelings for them. To try to cut off our love for someone is like trying to eliminate all our feelings - our hearts just can't take it.
We can't love some people and stop loving others, for love is all encompassing. Instead of fighting against our feelings, it's wise to let our feelings be what they are. Love isn't selective. If we love, we love, and that's that.
When someone disappoints us or can't return the love we feel for them, it doesn't instantly cut our own feelings off. In fact, sometimes it makes them seem more intense. It's painful to lose anyone we love, but that's going to happen to all of us sooner or later with a parent, pet or lover.
Love is a risk, and we all take that risk in order to live full lives. When someone leaves your life through no choice of yours, it hurts a LOT. Nevertheless, you don't stop loving that person just because he's gone.
If someone isn't good for you or you can't be with him for some reason, you can still love him from afar. You don't have to beat yourself up because you still love him, or cut other people out of your life for that reason.
If loving this person is preventing you from moving on with your life, then instead of trying to stop loving him, you might try moving him. Move him to the side in your heart and in your mind so that you can open up to someone else for the kind of love and care that you deserve.
We can all love many different people in many different ways at the same time. Just because you can't be with this boyfriend anymore doesn't mean that the feelings you have for him have to die. While trying to forget him is pretty impossible, adjusting to being able to love someone else as much or more than you love him is within reach.
You can take back your heart but you can't take back your love, for once that feeling is there for a person, it's always going to be there in one way or another. The very best thing about love is that it can be limitless: We can be free to love many people in many different ways at the same time.
Instead of trying to close your heart to him, keep him right there and just open your heart wider to include someone new. Time helps too, of course, but if you think of expanding your heart instead of cutting your feelings for him away, you will set yourself free to move on.
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Susyn responds:
Dear Lindsay,
Your problem is pretty common. Many times we find ourselves unable to let go of a past love, and we continue to struggle with our emotions. There are both obvious and obscure reasons for this, and both must be addressed before we can let go completely.
When we find ourselves in a relationship that appears to have wonderful potential, it's hard to imagine that something that powerful could ever fade or end. When it does, we tend to find ourselves remembering our positive feelings and forgetting all the problems.
Fear of not finding another person like the one we have lost is another factor that can keep us attached to the past, because believe it or not, it can actually seem easier to look back at the failed relationship than it is to go forward into the world and continue our search for true love.
An aspect people rarely consider is the metaphysical one. When you become involved in a relationship, you give away your autonomy and power in order to meld in union with the other. When the relationship ends, what you are really missing and longing for is the power that still remains with the other person, and retrieving it can help you step back from the situation and let go much sooner.
First, gather up any belongings, pictures or memorabilia of the other person. If you aren't quite ready to toss them out or burn them, put them all in a box and store it in your garage or the back of a closet until you are ready to dispose of any physical items that remind you of him.
Second, you need to freeze or stop any attempts he may be making to send you energy, whether it's invisible energy (his thoughts of you that in turn trigger thoughts of him) or outward actions, like hang-up phone calls, random emails or texts, etc. If he is trying to connect with you in tangible ways, screen your calls and block or delete internet connections.
If you continue to get energy hits from him, simply tear off a small piece of paper from a brown grocery or lunch bag, write his name on it, and place it in a Ziploc baggie. Then fill the baggie with water to cover the paper and place it in your freezer. Within 24 hours, you'll notice the thoughts diminishing.
Taking these actions will draw your personal power and energy back from him, and return it to you where it belongs. Once you can get through a day without thinking about him, you'll know you've reclaimed the power you left behind, and you'll be ready to move ahead into a more loving, fulfilling relationship. |
