My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He is 46 years old and I am 32. I have been struggling with his energy for a year now. It's so consuming. I feel like when he's around me, I can't be my normal self. I've talked to him about this, and believe that he doesn't mean to affect me as he does. Nothing I am doing seems to be working. Even if I try to separate myself by going into a different room, I feel this very compelling urge to see if he's okay. (He's usually not - he wants to be around me 24/7, and makes me feel guilty if I want a break.) In fact, it is so compelling that I can't even read a book because I'm thinking about him. His energy drowns me and I can't live with him anymore if I don't figure out how to combat this! He is gone Monday through Thursday now, and is home for the weekends. You would think I'd be able to get a handle on myself, but it takes two days for me to snap out of the state he left me in after he goes. By Wednesday, I'm feeling like a new woman, but then he comes home Thursday night and I'm right back where I left off. It's like I'm in some funky trance or something. Any idea what the heck is going on? How do I prevent him from stealing my energy, if that's what he's doing? I truly love him - he's my best friend - but I have got to get on with my life/family/career, and I can't focus on anything else when he's around. Any suggestions?

-Steph

Dear Steph,

Sometimes living together is just too much. I think as youngsters we all wish for that perfect partner who pays attention to us all the time. Your boyfriend isn't that perfect partner for you right now, but that doesn't mean you should toss three years out the window - you just need to examine together what you both want this relationship to be.

Your boyfriend could be smothering you for a lot of different reasons, but the one that keeps coming to me is that he feels insecure about your love for him. Don't feel guilty about that. I know you've tried to be everything he wants you to be, and that you've both put a lot of effort into the past three years.

The age difference might really be bothering him now that he's past 45 and you're still in your thirties. Insecurity can definitely cause a person to go overboard and become a Cling-on.

If you're honestly happier without him around you, then you have to try to face that and start over. Since you say he's your best friend and you love him with all your heart, instead of burning this bridge, try separating for a while to see if you're happier alone.

Tell him that you're feeling that you need some time to get yourself going in the right direction again. He'll be hurt, but if you set a date when you can come back together to reexamine your relationship, you may find that you miss one another and want to try again. (I suggest you reexamine things in three months.)

If you decide to try this, be sure to spell out the rules. If it's okay for the two of you to date other people while you're apart, make that clear to one another. If you really just want time to think things through, then make that clear too.

Don't play head games. If you expect him to wait for you to figure out what you want (and three months is a reasonable time to ask someone you've loved for three years to wait), tell him that you're NOT suggesting that you see other people - you need time by yourself to decide what you want.

Try talking about everything before you take any drastic steps. If you are happier without him, then it's time to move on anyway, and you'll have a good start in three months.

The only way to stop feeling that your boyfriend is sucking the life from you is to get out of this relationship for a little while and BREATHE. You'll probably miss him because he loves you. If you put it to him in a calm, clear way that you feel you need time alone to get your energy back up to speed, he'll understand - I'm sure of it!

Susyn responds:

Dear Steph,

It is sometimes confusing when we develop relationships with people only to find them draining us, or as you say, stealing our energy. Some of these troubles may be coming from him, though you may also be reacting against what you feel are your obligations in this relationship.

We all need time and space to take care of ourselves, to develop and grow and move towards our goals. You don't mention if he wants a family or supports your career plans, and it could be that you both have very different desires and dreams about the future. If that's the case, it may be a good idea to list your career and family goals on paper and then discuss them with him. If he doesn't want a family or refuses to support your career, then you'll have some important decisions to make.

It also sounds like he is very dependent upon and possessive of you. If this was a healthy connection, you would be able to maintain balance in the relationship no matter how much time you spent together. It's important to determine if you are attending to his every need out of guilt or if this is simply a pattern or expectation that has developed over the last few years.

In order to sort this out, when he is home, try making plans of your own (apart from him) and observe how he reacts. If he is fine with it, then you may need to examine your own motivations for wanting to be with him all the time. If, however, you find that he really is determined to be with you 24/7, you'll need to start moving away from this co-dependent relationship.

Though it may seem difficult to separate yourself from him, if the statements in your letter are accurate, you will remain in limbo and could waste valuable years of your life by continuing on with the status quo.

Since you state that you love him and he is your best friend, you may want to consider couples therapy. If that doesn't rebalance the situation, it may be time to shift this relationship from a romantic bond to something more platonic.

For the most part, it sounds like this relationship has been valuable for both of you, but it no longer nourishes and supports your innermost desires. Putting aside your dreams to attend to his needs will ultimately just create hurt feelings and resentment for both of you.

Work on getting some clarity about what is most important to you - then you can start taking action to manifest the life you desire. He can either choose to come along or let you go - either way, you will be moving toward greater well-being and fulfillment.